In UK we have a program called Naked Attraction. It is a trashy cattle-market type of programme, where people present themselves naked for the potential date and are chosen based on their physique.

It is entertaining, but because it has a lot of penises and vaginas, it is a late night program. We occasionally watch it mainly to see if the contestant has the nerve to reject not so perfect bodies or if they will wait till the end to not be seen as shallow, but except for the slight brain-bleaching entertainment value, there is nothing much to it.

Yesterday, together with Mark’s teenage daughter, we watched The Last of Us; she was sitting on the plush swivel chair while we were on the sofa and she somehow disappeared between the cushions. I thought she went to her bedroom after the program finished, and as the Naked Attraction started almost right after and none of us cared enough to change the channel, we let it run in the background, sharing very adult jokes about contestants’ bodies.

The little brat sat quietly, barely breathing, and in the dark room she was simply invisible till I said it out loud, pointing at the handsome man’s junk.

‘Look Mark , this one looks just like yours.’

The snorting laugh made us painfully aware that I just give a teenager visual description of her maker and if that was not creepy enough, she insisted on sitting with us and watch till the end.

As we are trying to teach her about body positivity, there was no way we could kick her out of the living room without sounding like she caught us watching something dirty. So the three of us sat there watching swinging dicks.

This family is a lost cause, I tell you.

The story started when we changed internet provider and with this we had to reset all of our smart plugs.

Our aquarium lights were one of them, but being too lazy and after setting too many switches, I left it for a later date in the meantime manually switching the light on and off.

Here comes the catch. Our aquarium maybe not look that pristine, more like a natural pond but the fishes are breeding like crazy, plants are growing nicely and water is in superb quality. Somehow environment naturally regulate itself. Still when we introduced shrimps and snails after few days they all of them disappeared and I thought maybe fish ate them or they died from relocation shock. Imagine my confusion when in the morning I switch on the aquarium lights and noticed a helluva lot of baby snails all over the glass, shrimps eating plants and all behaving like this was one massive party with “oh shit” moment when landlord switched on the lights.

I called Mark to come and see it but before he dragged his sleepy bum to the office – PUFF! – and they were all gone.

So I keep buying more snails and shrimps to keep the aquarium healthy and those cheeky fuckers simply hidden somewhere welcoming new colleagues. I mean the audacity of the aquatic life. Outrageous!